


i want to love you but i don't know how

by turnandchasethewind



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-21 19:59:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9564059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turnandchasethewind/pseuds/turnandchasethewind
Summary: a collection of drabbles for wickoff, prompts listed at the beginning of each chapter





	1. love me when it storms, love me when i fall

**Author's Note:**

> "You don't need to protect me."

“Jesus _fucking_ Christ. You scared the shit out of me.” 

The thunder was loud enough to wake her, but it was the sight of Kady awkwardly hovering by the end of the bed that startled her enough to make her heart jump out of her chest.

It’s dark, almost too dark for Julia to see her, but there’s enough light from the moon and intermittent flashes of lightning to see Kady staring down at her with what can only be interpretted as cautionary pity.

“Uh,” Kady shifts a little bit, hesitates, “You were talking in your sleep again.”

Julia lies in silence.

More shifting. A pause. “Thought it might be another of your…y’know.”

(It’s dark, almost too dark for Kady to see her, but Julia still sets her face in the most put-together way she can muster.) 

“I’m fine.”

“I know.”

There’s no hesitation this time, and it’s the kind of thing Julia can appreciate despite never being able to admit it out loud to her.

There’s nothing left to say, really, so when Kady slowly takes the few soft steps and climbs into bed next to her, she doesn’t object. After a beat, Kady slowly wraps an arm around Julia’s waist, hesitant and gentle. 

“Is this okay?”  
  
She can’t find it inside of herself to say anything, so Julia just nods a few times and when she feels Kady’s arm settle with less caution she knows she heard her.

They lie like that for a few moments before she can feel the full weight of everything sitting heavy on top of her. It’s been a long time since she’s depended on anyone and even the thought of that sneaks down and wraps itself around her chest, choking ever-so-slightly and making it almost impossible to breathe.

“I’m scared of lightning storms.”

The soft whisper cuts something in the air and Julia takes that space to finally breathe in a long breath. She takes in a few more before Kady continues.

“It’s dumb. My mom was always out doing shit for God knows what and I was left home a lot. It was scary as a kid. Still is, I guess - even now knowing all of this magic shit. Kinda helps me remember that magic can’t fix everything. Which sounds fucked up, but whatever.”

They lie in silence and Julia tries to imagine a small Kady curled up under blankets at home alone, no one around to quell her fears. Despite growing up with her parents and sister, Julia completely understands.

Julia stares at the ceiling, ignoring the way she can _feel_  Kady staring at her expectantly. She can’t take the implication of it and turns her body away in an attempt to escape; it ends up backfiring because all it does is invite Kady to tuck around her a little tighter. Like most attempts to run, she fails.

(In the dreams she’s always running, running, running, but ends up in the same place. Always the same room. Always the same people. Always the same outcome. Quentin would call it her own personal Groundhog Day hell.) 

“You don’t need to protect me.”

“Yeah. I figured.”

She can feel Kady reach up and lace their fingers together, the pressure cracking a little inside of her. 

“Kady-”

“It’s the storm. This is more for me than you. And don’t tell anyone about that story because I’ll just deny it.”

Julia clenches her eyes shut and tries to listen for anything in her voice resembling the truth, but it’s so late and Kady’s hand is warm in hers and it’s actually kind of comfortable. She can try and figure this out another day.

Kady’s voice is soft in her ear, “Let’s try to get some sleep.”

(It’s dark, almost too dark, but before Julia turned away it was just light enough to see the calm look on Kady’s face - free of judgement, free of expectations. When Julia closes her eyes, the thought of it lifts a little bit of that weight off of her chest.)


	2. watch me squirm baby, but you are just what I need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm flirting with you."

The bartender sets their drinks in front of them abruptly, but not without a quick smile sent Kady’s way. 

“She keeps eyeing you like that. Play your cards right and you’ll get lucky tonight.”

Kady turns to Julia and scoffs, taking a slow sip of her drink. It started with a few beers and now they’ve moved to whiskey, but it hasn’t put her out of it enough to ignore the bartender’s lingering stares all night. She’s just taking her time to decide what to do with it. 

(There’s always a plan. Anything can be an opportunity if she thinks about it long enough.

Julia doesn’t need to know that, though.)

Kady takes another sip, remaining as aloof as possible, “Sure it’s not you she’s been staring at? Hot and mysterious ivy league piece like you are a bartender’s dream.”

Julia rolls her eyes, “How flattering.”

“She’s probably just trying to decide if we’re dating or not.”

“Oh,” Julia leans closer, something dangerous lighting up behind her eyes, her voice gravelly, “Do you think she’s jealous?”

Kady leans forward - the last few sips driving her - and she’s suddenly grinning at Julia, “I don’t know. Maybe you should come a little closer and actually give her something to get jealous over.”

Julia bites her lip and raises her eyebrows, smiling wide, but the second the words tumble out of her mouth Kady leans back and gives her a once over. A small awkward laugh escapes her mouth and she shakes her head a little to herself - trying to make sense of it. She didn’t plan on saying that and she knows it’s blunt - even for her. Her mind is buzzing and she can’t stop replaying the moment on loop. 

She studies Julia, appraises her for a second before breaking the silence, “I’m flirting with you.”

She says it more like a question, the reality of the implications not quite something she’s wrapped her mind around yet. Julia looks at her - all soft smile and curious eyes - before taking a small sip of her drink.

“You sound surprised.”

Kady rolls her eyes, crossing her arms but unable to resist nervously playing with the edges of Julia’s sweater.

(She’s borrowed it more than five times already, but Julia hasn’t made any indication that she minds in the slightest.)

“I just - since Penny, I don’t know. I don’t really know why I-” She shakes her head and sighs. Takes a long gulp of her drink to finish it off. Let’s it burn down her throat. “Whatever. Don’t be an asshole about this.”

There’s a small hand wrapped around her wrist and the touch burns more than the whiskey did. She pushes past the soft haze buzzing around her brain to focus on Julia’s face. The look she’s met with warms her more than the touch, a swirl of mischief and invitation swimming behind Julia’s eyes. 

“Who says I wasn’t flirting back?”

She doesn’t get a chance to respond to her because Julia is already turning towards the bartender and flagging her down. 

“So,” the bartender is on her way over to them again and Julia is turning back to Kady with a dangerous smile, “Another round on me?”


	3. it feels like there's oceans between me and you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You came back."

Martin is lounging on the couch, reading a book Julia forced him to look into. It’s something from Brakebills she thought may be useful, but she’d be lying if this wasn’t more about a distraction. She can only take so many hours of him him singing those impossible fucking showtunes around the apartment.

It’s odd, that something so trivial would be the thing she hates most about him, but maybe it’s easier for her to focus on that then anything else about this screwed up mess.

He still finds a way to hum every few chapters, though.

She blows out a deep breath through her nose and grabs her purse. “I’ll be back in a few hours. Don’t leave the apartment.”

He answers in the form of a dismissive wave of his hand and she can’t reach for the door fast enough. 

She barely has time to register what is happening when she bumps into something in her rush out the door, closing it behind her. There’s a slur of apologies on the tip of her tongue that get lodged in her throat when she looks up and sees Kady staring back at her.

“Hey, I was just about to knock.” A pause. “Sorry.”

The word holds more weight in the thick silence between them, the two syllables carrying too many connotations that Julia isn’t ready to face.  It’s suddenly too much at once, too much to deal with - too much to admit. It’s an acknowledgement in the flesh of something she’s been pushing away for too long. 

Kady stares at her, letting Julia make the next move, and despite Julia’s desire to run away from everything that look is telling her she stands rooted to the spot. It’s enough to catch Kady’s attention, immediate realization washing over her face.

“Um, can we not do this here?” Kady glances around the hallway, eyes dancing between the doors as if a nosy neighbour is about to emerge at a moment’s notice. “Let’s talk. But, inside.”

Still unable to answer, Julia stands still as Kady makes her way past and into the apartment. Her brain quickly catches up with her body but she’s too late - Kady has already opened the door.

“Back already? And here I was imagining I’d get the apartment to myself for the afternoon.”

Kady stands still. Freigteningly still as she locks eyes with Martin splayed across the couch in the living room. It’s barely noticeable, but Julia watches the way Kady shifts her body to put a wall between them. 

“Julia.” Her tone is low and chilling. “Stand back.”

She’s unsure how Kady knows who he is. From everything she’s been told he’d kept his identity a secret, the use of the overdramatic moths he’s become so fond of. But maybe Kady doesn’t need to have seen his face. Maybe when someone tries to take your life you can just feel something akin to unfinished business vibrating off of them.

It hits her that Kady is about to unleash battle magic and in a wave of adrenaline and stupidity Julia launches herself in front of her. As much as she hates it, she needs him in order for her plan to work. She’s not going to let anyone or anything get in her way now.

“ _Julia._ ” It’s somewhere between a warning and a plea and before Julia fucks this up any more she grabs Kady by the elbow and drags them out of the apartment.

She closes the door behind them. Locks it. Kady won’t stop looking at her like she’s a stranger.

“Do you know who the fuck that is?”

“Yes. I -” She straightens up, tries to sound as confident as possible. “I made a deal with him.”

Kady gawks at her, equal parts confusion and disgust, enough judgement to make something twist in Julia’s gut. In response, she makes herself look as tall as she can. Julia usually finds ease taking up space bigger than she is, filling it with her strong will and large ideas. But now? In front of Kady? She feels small and almost cowers under the weight of the concern in Kady’s eyes.

“A deal.”

“Yes.”

Kady raises her eyebrows. “With the man who has been trying to kill us all.”

There’s a sudden rush of anger in her chest, and she shoves past Kady, making her way down the hall. 

“You don’t get it.”

She doesn’t give her a chance to respond, too hellbent on getting away. Away from Kady. Away from empty explantaions. Away from all of this.

Kady - as usualy - has no interest in following her rules.

She ignores the burn on her wrist as Kady grabs at her to stop her from running away. She wonders how long touches will remain tainted for, if it becomes a dull hum or if it will always feel like acid against her skin.

“Stop. C’mon. Julia, _wait_.”

She whips her head to stare at her, unaware at how close they’d be. Kady looks down at her, the expression on her face softer than moments before. And in another world it may have meant something. In another world she may have _wanted_ it to mean something.

But this is her world now and the rules have changed. Indefinitely. So, as per her new habit, she pushes it down as much as she can.

“Why are you here?”

“I didn’t know where to go, so I found myself back at Marina’s.” Julia flinches at the name, but if Kady notices she doesn’t bring it up. “She told me she saw you.” 

Julia looks down and shifts away, opting to allow herself to melt into the wall behind her. If she tries hard enough maybe she can disappear. 

She can feel Kady lean beside her before she speaks again. “That was three weeks ago.”

“Well, I wasn’t ready to come back yet.”

“But you did.” Julia looks over at her. “You came back.”

It’s Kady’s turn to look away. “Yeah.” She takes in a deep breath. “So, what’s the plan?”

A soft laugh bubbles up past Julia’s lips. It’s so unfamiliar lately that it almost suprises her.

“That’s it? Just gonna jump right in?”

Julia watches as Kady just shrugs and it’s a good enough answer for her. They stand against the wall for a moment before Kady grabs for her hand, squeezes tight. 

Julia closes her eyes at the soft burn; less like acid this time and more like the warmth of the rising sun. 


End file.
